How to Give “The Talk”
Built on published research and more than 80 real, anonymous stories from adults about the talk they got. This guide is general information, not medical advice. For questions about your child's health, talk with their pediatrician.
How do you give the talk? The short answer
There is no single talk. The parents who do this well have dozens of small, honest conversations instead of one big one. They start with real names for body parts in toddlerhood. They explain puberty before it starts, which for many kids now means around age 8. They bring up pornography by about 10, and they cover birth control, consent and STIs before their kid turns 14. Whenever a question comes, they answer it plainly. Along the way they say, more than once, that their kid can ask them anything.
That’s the whole guide. The rest of this page covers how to actually do it: what the research shows, what to say at each age, what most parents skip, and how to recover if your first try went sideways. Throughout, you’ll read real, anonymous stories from people who told us how their own talk went. Some will make you laugh, and a few will make you wince. All of them have something to teach.
THEIR TALK
My father picked me up from basketball practice when I was 13 years old. The car ride home was strangely quiet and uncomfortable. I became nervous he was about to tell me that my parents were getting a divorce. Then, 2 minutes from home, he turns to me and slowly says, “...do you know what a scrotum is?”
Why the sex talk usually goes badly (and why it isn’t your fault)
Almost every parent means well. In one national survey of parents of 10- to 12-year-olds, 89% said they believed they could influence when their child starts having sex just by talking with them (Wilson et al., Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 2010). Parents want to do this. Many just don’t know how.
The same study asked what gets in the way. The top answers:
- Feeling uncomfortable (39%)
- Thinking someone else could do it better (37%)
- Worrying it might encourage sex (32%)
- Not knowing enough about sex themselves (18%)
Many parents never had a model to copy. In a 2022 survey of 2,000 American parents, 6 in 10 said they were raised to think sex was a taboo subject (Talker Research, 2022). Our own anonymous survey of adults found something similar: about 6 in 10 said they never got the talk at all.
When you were never shown how to do something, you improvise. And improvised talks tend to fail in a few predictable ways. You’ll recognize them in the stories people sent us.
The silence. Some parents can’t get the words out, so the talk shrinks to a single sentence.
THEIR TALK
My Dad got home, read the note, and stared at me. He picked me up and sat me on the kitchen counter. There was complete silence for what felt like hours, but was actually at least 15 minutes. Eventually my dad looked at me, took a deep breath, and gave me the only 5 words of sexual education I’ve ever gotten from my father: “Keep it in your pants.”
The question that ends it. The parent asks one question and accepts the first answer that lets both people escape.
THEIR TALK
One day, my dad came up to me and asked “If I knew what was going on with all that stuff?” I quickly responded, “yes” just to get him to stop talking. It worked.
THEIR TALK
My father took me out to a restaurant for cheesecake, and led the conversation with, “So…they taught you about sex and stuff in school, right?” I told him yes. “Good, good. Do you have any questions?” I told him no. “Good, good. If you do, let me know. How’s the cheesecake?”
The handoff. A book, a pamphlet or a video does the talking so no one has to.
THEIR TALK
My mom summoned me to the living room, and presented books she had checked out at the church’s library re: sex, and attempted to talk to me about their contents. I remained silent, and so she handed me the stack and told me to read them myself.
The lecture. Everything is biology, delivered like a class nobody signed up for.
THEIR TALK
My dad sat me down at the kitchen table, and walked me through the Gray’s Anatomy medical textbook. Very anatomically/biologically-driven conversation. Felt like a mildly uncomfortable and boring school lecture.
The metaphor. Keys and keyholes, geese, gumball machines, paper hearts torn to pieces. A metaphor feels safer than the real words, but it usually leaves kids more confused than before.
THEIR TALK
I was baking a cake with my mom. As we cracked the eggs, she interrupted and said, “You see the white stuff floating next to the egg, well, when a man loves a woman very much, white stuff comes out of his penis and that goes into your vagina and creates babies.” For years, I thought that egg whites in stores had been someone jacking off a rooster.
The warning. The whole message is “don’t,” wrapped in fear: pregnancy, disease, ruin, sometimes hell.
THEIR TALK
In catholic school, we spent a week in 7th grade on ‘family life education’. The two main takeaways that stuck with me were 1) Girls who don’t cross their legs end up pregnant, and 2) If you have sex, you will get pregnant and die.
If one of these sounds like the talk you got, you’re in good company. If one sounds like the talk you were planning to give, keep reading.
Kids find this awkward too, often more than their parents do. In a 2012 national poll, about half of parents said they felt very comfortable talking with their kids about sex, compared with fewer than 1 in 5 teens (Planned Parenthood / Family Circle / NYU CLAFH, 2012). That gap explains a lot of the “yes, I know” answers. It also means a single conversation can’t carry the load, because your kid will spend most of it trying to get out of the room.
Does talking to your kids about sex actually help? What the research says
Does talking with your kids about sex make any difference? Yes. The effect is modest, but it shows up again and again.
The biggest summary of the evidence is a 2016 meta-analysis in JAMA Pediatrics. It pooled 52 studies covering more than 25,000 adolescents over three decades (Widman et al., 2016). Teens whose parents talked with them about sex were more likely to practice safer sex, including using condoms and contraception. The link was stronger when mothers did the talking and when the child was a daughter. The authors described communication as playing “a small protective role.”
“Small” is the honest word. Talking doesn’t guarantee anything. It is one influence among many, working alongside how close you are, how much you know about your kid’s life, and what their friends are doing. But it’s free, anyone can do it, and it helps.
Teaching parents to talk better also seems to work. A 2019 meta-analysis of 31 randomized trials, again in JAMA Pediatrics, looked at programs that coach parents on these conversations. Those programs improved how well families talked about sex and increased teens’ condom use (Santa Maria, Widman et al., 2019). That’s the most encouraging finding in this guide: this is a skill, and parents can get better at it.
Notice what those findings are about. The clearest benefit of talking isn’t a teen who never has sex. It’s a teen who is safer, better informed and more confident when they do. That matches the premise of this guide: be open and honest, and keep the door open.
Newer research adds an important wrinkle. A 2025 study in JAMA Network Open surveyed 522 nationally representative parent-teen pairs with teens aged 15 to 17 (Javidi et al., 2025). When parents felt informed and comfortable, talking more often was linked to teens feeling more confident about finding sexual health information and care on their own. When parents didn’t feel informed or comfortable, talking more often was linked to less confident teens. In other words, it isn’t only how often you talk. It also matters that you know what you’re talking about, which is a good reason to read guides like this one before you start. The same study found that mothers were much more likely than fathers to talk often, 54.5% versus 34%. Another 2025 study found that how often parents talk is one of the strongest predictors of whether teens tell their parents what’s going on in their lives (Family Sciences, 2025). The more you talk, the more they tell you.
Our own survey points the same way. Adults who got a talk from their parents were 37% more likely to say they’re very comfortable talking about sex with a partner today, and 15% more likely to say they’re very satisfied with their sex life. When the talk was good, about half named a parent as their biggest source of sex education. When it was poor, the top source was friends.
THEIR TALK
What I remember most is my mom telling me that I could ask her anything. She wanted me to feel comfortable talking with her, and didn’t want me seeking answers from my friends.
Why one big sex talk doesn’t work: talk early and often
The trouble with “the talk” is the word the.
The first problem is timing. A study published in Pediatrics followed 141 parent-teen pairs for a year. More than 40% of the teens had already had sex before their parents talked with them about condoms, birth control, STI symptoms or what to do if a partner refuses a condom (Beckett et al., 2010). Parents believed they were getting ahead of it. Often they weren’t.
The second problem is frequency. A long-running study followed several hundred teens and their parents every year from age 14 to 18. Teens whose parents talked about sex at a moderate, steady rate did best. A BYU review of that work describes this as about three conversations a year, kept up over several years (BYU Family Perspectives, 2024). That isn’t a lot of talking, but it is regular.
The third problem is that kids change. What a 6-year-old needs to hear is nothing like what a 16-year-old needs. One talk at 11 is too much for the child who isn’t ready and too late for the one who already learned it all on the playground. Many of the people who wrote to us were in exactly that position.
THEIR TALK
My mom came into my room holding a book, and tried to be slick, saying “Now, I know you already know about sex and stuff.” She wasn’t wrong, though. My best friend had already enlightened me one day at recess, to my disgust and horror.
Young adults say the same thing. In one study, emerging adults were asked how parents should talk about sex. They said parents should talk often, start early, cover a wide range of topics, and be open, honest and realistic. They didn’t want “the talk.” They wanted a conversation that kept going (Pariera & Brody, “Talk More About It,” 2018).
Here is what that sounds like when it goes right.
THEIR TALK
In 5th grade, a letter was sent home about an upcoming ‘Your Changing Body’ health talk. So my mom sat me down first and said “I want to talk with you about all this so you’re not confused and don’t hear things that aren’t true from the other kids after the talk.” Two years later, we talked in more detail about sexual intercourse, and asked if I had any questions. Just the one. I blurted out, “You’re telling me you and dad did that??!!?!” She laughed and said, “Well, yeah, that’s how you and your sister got here.” She was so kind and honest. It established an open and ongoing communication and trust I’m grateful for.
THEIR TALK
As the son of a doctor, I was engaged in many micro-“talks” over the years, where I learned about biology and functional sexuality, and then on the flip side, why people would want to do it.
Neither of those is one big event. Both are a series of small ones. That’s the model to aim for.
One warning: “ongoing” doesn’t mean the same lecture every week. One woman told us her mom gave her sex talks every week from age 12 to 20, always in the car, “because she knew I couldn’t jump out.” She remembers the eye-rolling more than the content. Frequency helps when the conversation actually goes both ways, with your kid asking and talking too, not when it’s a lecture on repeat.
Does talking about sex make kids have sex sooner?
No. This is one of the most thoroughly studied questions in adolescent health, and the answer has held up for decades.
- Researcher Douglas Kirby reviewed 83 sex education programs worldwide. Of the 52 studies that measured when teens first had sex, just 1 found that a program led to earlier sex, while 22 found programs delayed it (Kirby, Emerging Answers, 2007, summarized by Guttmacher).
- UNESCO’s international guidance on sexuality education, developed with the WHO, UNICEF and other UN agencies, concludes that sexuality education does not increase sexual activity, risk-taking or STI rates (UNESCO, 2018).
- The World Health Organization reaches the same conclusion (WHO fact sheet).
- The Society for Adolescent Health and Medicine found that abstinence-only-until-marriage programs don’t delay first sex or reduce other sexual risk behavior (SAHM, 2017).
To be precise: most of this research is about school and community programs, not conversations at home. The research on parents shows that talking is linked to safer behavior, and no strong evidence shows it leads to earlier sex. What’s less certain is the reverse claim that talking makes kids wait. Some studies find that; many don’t.
Our survey found the same thing. The average age of first sex was 19.7 whether or not people got a talk from their parents. Talking didn’t push it earlier, and it didn’t push it later. What changed was everything else: how comfortable people felt, how satisfied they were, and where they got their information.
So the choice isn’t between talking and protecting your kid’s innocence. Your kid will learn about sex either way. The only question is whether some of what they learn comes from you.
WHAT I WANTED
I wish they had started a conversation with me about sex that began when I was younger. I wish they acknowledged that it’s natural and instinctual for maturing adults to have sex, but with that pleasure comes risks for unwanted pregnancies or STD’s.
What to say about sex at every age: an age-by-age guide
Think of this as a curriculum you spread over about 15 years. Each stage builds on the one before it. If you’re starting late, read the earlier stages anyway, since you may need to cover several at once.
The ages are guides, not deadlines. Two things should set your pace: what your child is asking, and what they’re likely already running into. That second part comes earlier than most parents expect.
| Age | Cover these | Why now |
|---|---|---|
| 0–4 | Real names for body parts. Your body belongs to you. Private parts. Safe and unsafe secrets. | Kids who know the right words can tell you if something happens. |
| 5–7 | Where babies come from, in simple and true terms. Families come in many forms. What to do if you see naked pictures. | Questions start now, and playground “facts” aren’t far behind. |
| 8–10 | Puberty, before it starts. What sex is and why people have it. A first conversation about porn. | Breast development often begins at 8 to 10. The average age of first exposure to porn is 12. |
| 11–13 | Crushes, consent, healthy relationships, sexting, porn versus reality, orientation and identity. | Peers and phones take over as sources of information. |
| 14–18 | Birth control, condoms, STIs and testing, consent and alcohol, emotional readiness, pleasure, getting confidential care. | The average age of first sex in the US is about 17. |
| 18+ | Adult relationships, sexual health care, and repairing anything you missed. | It’s never too late. |
Ages 0–4: teaching toddlers body parts, privacy and body safety
What to cover: Use the correct names for body parts (penis, testicles, vulva, vagina) as casually as you say elbow and knee. Teach that their body belongs to them. Explain which parts are private and who is allowed to help with them, such as a parent at bath time or a doctor with a parent in the room. Teach the difference between a fun secret, like a surprise party, and an unsafe one (“never keep a secret about someone touching you”).
Why it matters: Children who know the real words for their bodies can tell a trusted adult clearly if someone touches them. Using those words calmly also teaches something just as important: these parts aren’t shameful or mysterious.
If they touch themselves: It’s normal for toddlers to touch their genitals. Don’t scold them. Teach “private, not bad”: “That’s something people do in private, like in your bedroom. It’s not something we do in the living room.”
What it can sound like:
TRY SAYING
“That’s your vulva. It’s a private part. That means it’s yours, and nobody should touch it unless they’re helping you get clean or a doctor is checking you, and Mom or Dad is right there.”
TRY SAYING
“If anyone ever asks you to keep a secret about touching, that’s a secret you always tell me. You won’t be in trouble.”
Ages 5–7: explaining where babies come from
What to cover: A simple, true answer about where babies come from. Explain that families are made in many ways (birth, adoption, IVF, step-families, two moms, two dads). Keep reinforcing body ownership. Add the first online-safety rule: if you ever see pictures of naked people on a screen, come tell me, and you won’t be in trouble.
How much detail: Answer the question your child asked, then check in. A 5-year-old asking “where do babies come from?” might be satisfied with “they grow in a part of the mother’s body called the uterus.” If they ask “but how does it get in there?”, that’s your cue to say more. One woman told us she asked her mom a simple question about tampons and got “a ton of detail about the reproductive systems” and hand-drawn diagrams. “I was just looking for a quick answer.”
Some parents explain sex while getting the details muddled, and that sticks too:
THEIR TALK
My mother explained to me that the penis fits inside the vagina like a key in a keyhole. She admitted the concept was gross considering that people pee from their genitals, but that when I would get older I wouldn’t care so much about that.
Real words are better than metaphors, even with little kids. It’s also fine to say the true thing plainly. Grown-up bodies make sperm and eggs. When a sperm and an egg meet, they can start to grow into a baby. One way that happens is that grown-ups have sex, when a penis goes into a vagina.
What it can sound like:
TRY SAYING
“A baby starts when a sperm from one body and an egg from another body join together. Sperm come from the testicles and eggs come from the ovaries. Sometimes grown-ups make that happen by having sex, and sometimes doctors help. Then the baby grows in the uterus for about nine months.”
TRY SAYING
“What made you think of that?” (Always worth asking first.)
Ages 8–10: talking about puberty, periods and porn before they start
This is the stage parents most often get wrong, because puberty starts earlier than many of them expect.
The timing: Puberty normally begins between 8 and 13 in girls and between 9 and 14 in boys (Frontiers in Pediatrics, 2019). A 2020 meta-analysis in JAMA Pediatrics found that the age when breast development starts has been falling by almost three months per decade. It put the typical US starting age at around 9 to 10 (Eckert-Lind et al., 2020). First periods have moved less, typically arriving around 12 or 13, but some girls get theirs at 9 or 10.
If you wait until your daughter is 12 to explain periods, there’s a real chance she’ll find out on her own first, maybe somewhere inconvenient.
THEIR TALK
I was nine years old on a family vacation to Wisconsin Dells when I got my period for the first time. I was shopping for beanie babies, and I remember coming out of the store and feeling something weird and wet down there. Complete panic ensued internally.
THEIR TALK
I didn’t realize I got my period until my mom found stained underwear in the laundry. I kind of just thought I was dying.
What to cover: Explain every part of puberty to every kid, not just the parts their own body will go through. That means periods, breasts, erections, wet dreams, voice changes, body hair, body odor and growth spurts. Explain what sex is and why people have it: it’s how babies are made, and it’s also something adults do because it feels good and brings them close. Add consent within friendships, and start the first conversation about pornography.
Why porn belongs here: In a 2022 Common Sense Media survey of more than 1,300 US teens, 73% had seen pornography online. The average age of first exposure was 12, and 15% had seen it by age 10 or younger. More than half of those who’d seen porn said they’d seen violent or aggressive content. Fewer than half had ever discussed it with a trusted adult (Common Sense Media, Teens and Pornography, 2023). Many of them came across it by accident. Talking before the average age of first exposure means your kid hears your version first.
What it can sound like:
TRY SAYING
“Sometime in the next few years your body is going to start changing. I want you to know what’s coming so none of it is a scary surprise. Want to look at this book together, or would you rather read it and then ask me stuff?”
TRY SAYING
“Online, you might see pictures or videos of people having sex. That’s called pornography. It’s made for adults, it’s mostly fake, and a lot of it shows sex in ways that aren’t how real people treat each other. If you see it, you’re not in trouble. Come tell me, and we can talk about it.”
TRY SAYING
“Sex is something adults do with their bodies. It can make a baby, and it’s also something people do because it feels good and makes them feel close. It’s for when you’re much older, but you can always ask me about it.”
Ages 11–13: consent, crushes, sexting and healthy relationships
What to cover: Crushes and what to do with them. What makes a relationship healthy or unhealthy. Consent: what it means, how to ask, and how to hear no. Sexting and image sharing, including that sending or forwarding nude images of minors can carry legal consequences. How porn differs from real sex. Sexual orientation and gender identity. Peer pressure, including the friend who brags about things that never happened.
Why now: At this age, friends and phones take over as kids’ main sources of information. In our survey, people whose talk went badly most often named friends as their biggest source of sex education. You want to stay in the running.
How to get through the eye-rolling: Talk side by side instead of face to face, like in the car, on a walk or while cooking. Ask about their friends before asking about them. Keep it short. And remember that “I already know” usually means “please make this stop,” not “I already know.”
THEIR TALK
My father said that his dad never really talked to him about sex, as he was expected to figure it out on his own. My dad said it would be different with him, so on the way home from a school talk on sex, we had our own, and have never really talked about sex with him since.
That dad had the right instinct and the right moment. What was missing was the second conversation, and the third.
What it can sound like:
TRY SAYING
“What are people at school saying about [whatever came up]? I’m curious what kids your age think.”
TRY SAYING
“If anyone ever sends you a picture like that, or asks you for one, it’s not your fault and you’re not in trouble. Tell me, and we’ll figure it out.”
TRY SAYING
“Being into someone should feel good, not scary. If someone makes you feel like you owe them something, that’s a red flag.”
Ages 14–18: the sex talk with teens about birth control, condoms, STIs and consent
What to cover: Birth control, including how well each method works and where to get it. Condoms, and that they’re the only common method that also protects against STIs. STI testing and the HPV vaccine. Consent and coercion, including how alcohol and drugs affect consent. Emotional readiness. Pleasure and mutual respect. Digital dating abuse. How your teen can get confidential health care.
The timing: The average age of first vaginal sex in the US is about 17 for both young women and young men (CDC, National Survey of Family Growth, 2017–2019). Remember the Pediatrics study: more than 40% of teens had already had sex before their parents covered the key safety topics. Have these conversations by 14 or 15, not after you suspect something has started.
Be honest about your values, and give the facts anyway. You can tell your teen you hope they’ll wait, whether until they’re older, in love or married, and still make sure they know how condoms work. Those two messages don’t conflict. Abstinence can be your family’s value, but abstinence-only information is not enough to keep a teen safe.
THEIR TALK
I was raised Catholic, with the mindset that your virginity is the ultimate giving of one’s self. My mother reiterated how sex before marriage was impermissible, and that if I couldn’t resist my urges, that I should relieve myself. But that was frowned upon, too. The take home message? Sex is bad. Masturbation is bad. But masturbation is better than sex.
Mixed messages like that are easy to send by accident. Decide ahead of time what you actually want your teen to walk away with.
What it can sound like:
TRY SAYING
“I’d rather you wait until you’re older and with someone you really trust. And whenever it happens, I want you to be safe. So let’s talk about how condoms and birth control work, so you have the facts.”
TRY SAYING
“Consent means both people actually want to, every time, and either person can change their mind. Someone who’s drunk can’t really say yes.”
TRY SAYING
“If you ever need a ride home, a doctor’s appointment or just someone to talk to, call me. I’ll come get you first and ask questions later.”
TRY SAYING
“Sex should feel good for both people. If it doesn’t, or if anything feels wrong, that’s worth stopping and talking about.”
Ages 18 and up: talking to adult children about sex
Your kid moving out doesn’t end your role. Plenty of adult children would welcome a parent saying, “I don’t think I did a great job explaining this stuff to you. Is there anything you wish you’d known?” Many of the people who wrote to us are still waiting to hear that.
THEIR TALK
Before leaving for college, my dad took me out for lunch. He told me, “It’s ok if you drink, but be smart, and know that your mother got pregnant very easily.”
It’s a little awkward, but it’s honest and practical, and it’s better than nothing. You can do better than that, but even that much counts.
Sex talk topics parents skip: feelings, consent, birth control, pleasure and porn
Most parents cover the basics: anatomy, where babies come from, sometimes “wait until you’re married.” The harder topics get skipped. When we asked people what they wished their parents had said, they almost never asked for more biology. They asked for the parts no one covered.
Feelings and relationships. In a Harvard Making Caring Common survey of more than 3,000 young adults, 70% wished they’d gotten more information from their parents about the emotional side of relationships (Making Caring Common, The Talk, 2017). Our readers said the same thing, over and over:
WHAT I WANTED
Feelings. How you’ll feel, how you’ll feel after, and how it will make the other person feel.
WHAT I WANTED
I wish we had talked more about the emotional/connection component of sex, and about not letting someone pressure you into sex. I had to learn all that on my own.
WHAT I WANTED
The talk was about morality, but I wish it had been about intimacy, too.
Consent, and how to treat a partner. In the same Harvard survey, most young adults had never talked with their parents about being a caring, respectful sexual partner, and 76% had never talked with them about how to avoid sexually harassing others. Consent isn’t one conversation either. It starts with “you don’t have to hug Grandpa if you don’t want to” and grows into “here’s how you know someone actually wants to.”
Birth control and STIs. These are easier to explain than most parents fear. In a 2011 national poll, parents were noticeably less comfortable talking about birth control and condoms than about relationships or values (Planned Parenthood / NYU CLAFH, 2011).
WHAT I WANTED
Birth control options, which I ended up learning about in sex ed class later that year. My parents had led me to believe that every sexual encounter brings about a baby.
Pleasure. This is the one most parents won’t say out loud. But if all your kid hears is risk, they learn that sex is dangerous and shameful. That can make it harder, not easier, for them to speak up, ask for what they want or say no. One analysis of online advice for parents found that only about 1 in 10 articles even mentioned arousal or orgasm (Rosenzweig, SexWise Parent, 2026). The American Academy of Pediatrics, not a group known for being edgy, encourages parents to set positive expectations rather than delivering a list of don’ts (HealthyChildren.org).
WHAT I WANTED
I wish my mom had discussed the ways in which sex could be a joyful thing, and not solely for the purpose of procreation. I wish she hadn’t tried to scare me out of the idea of sex.
Shame. This was the most common wish of all. People asked us, in many different ways, for a parent who would have told them it was normal.
WHAT I WANTED
The removal of shame and guilt from sex.
WHAT I WANTED
Sex is normal, and not something you have to feel embarrassed or ashamed of.
WHAT I WANTED
I wish the topic had been approached with less secrecy. I think the goal was to impress upon me that sex was sacred and for marriage, but it came across that sex was a dirty little secret.
Masturbation. It’s normal, and most kids will do it. A kid who’s told it’s shameful doesn’t stop. They just stop asking you questions.
LGBTQ+ identities. Parents talk about sexual orientation less than almost any other topic, and kids notice when every example assumes a boy and a girl.
THEIR TALK
I was driving in the car with my dad, and he kept vaguely talking about feelings and how our ‘thoughts’ and ‘desires’ don’t always mean that’s what we’re supposed to do. He also kept talking about girls, and while I didn’t know I was gay yet, I did know that I wasn’t having any of those ‘thoughts’ and ‘desires’ about girls.
Porn. Fewer than half of teens have talked about porn with a trusted adult, yet nearly half say porn taught them helpful things about sex (Common Sense Media, 2023). If porn is your kid’s main sex educator, it’s teaching them things you’d never choose.
How to talk to your kids about sex: 12 tips that work
1. Start before you feel ready. You’ll never feel ready. Start with something small, like using the correct word at bath time or answering the next question honestly.
2. Use teachable moments. A pregnant aunt, a TV scene, a tampon ad, a news story, a dog in heat. Everyday moments give you an opening that doesn’t feel like a summons.
THEIR TALK
Growing up on a farm, you learn about sex early. When I was 5, I was standing with my father when I saw a bull mount a cow. I was concerned because bulls are very large animals, so I asked my father what he was doing.
3. Ask before you answer. “What have you heard about that?” tells you what your kid actually wants to know, what they’ve gotten wrong, and how much detail to give.
4. Answer the question that was asked, then check in. “Does that answer your question?” lets them decide whether to go deeper.
5. Use real words. Penis, vulva, sex, condom. Euphemisms tell your kid these words are too embarrassing to say.
6. Say “I don’t know, let’s find out.” You don’t need to be an expert. Looking something up together is a great conversation in itself.
7. Go side by side. Car rides, walks, dishes, cooking. Less eye contact means less pressure. A word of caution: locking the car doors (one reader’s mom really did) works against you.
THEIR TALK
One night while doing the dishes with my mother, she gave me the advice, “Always keep condoms on you. And always use them. You can’t count on men for that.”
8. Ask about their friends. Teens will often talk about what’s happening with their friends long before they’ll talk about themselves. Keep it general, and don’t use what they tell you against their friends.
9. Name the awkwardness. “My parents never talked to me about this, so I might be clumsy. I’m doing it anyway because I want you to have better information than I did.”
10. Keep it short, and come back. Five honest minutes beats a two-hour lunch.
THEIR TALK
As the oldest child in a big family, when my dad said we were going out to lunch just the two of us (which we never did), I was thrilled. Over the next two plus hours, my father covered the technical aspects of intercourse mixed in with a myriad of imagery, including the classic “shredded rose you can’t put back together,” and using the metaphor of a gumball machine for “putting something in and out comes a baby.” Confusing, and horrifying.
11. Use books and videos, but alongside you, not instead of you. A good book is a great place to start a conversation. A book left on the coffee table with no follow-up is a missed one.
THEIR TALK
My parents left a book about sex out on the coffee table, which of course I looked through when no one was around. One day, my mom asked me if I had any questions about the book. I said no. Not because I didn’t have any questions, but because I was horrified at the thought of talking to her about it.
12. Make it known that the door stays open. End every conversation the same way: “You can ask me anything, anytime. I won’t freak out.” Then don’t freak out, so that it stays true.
THEIR TALK
My dad and I used to go on walks together at the time. On one of these walks we had the talk. I remember my dad being fairly open about it and answered any questions I had as best he could.
The sex talk in special situations: teens, dads, single parents, religious families and more
How to start the sex talk late, with a teenager
Start anyway. Begin by owning the silence: “We should have talked about this a long time ago, and I’m sorry we didn’t. I’d like to fix that.” Focus on safety first: consent, birth control, STIs and where to get care. Let them choose the format. Some teens would rather read and text questions than sit through a conversation. Give them good sources, like AMAZE.org videos or Scarleteen for older teens, and make it clear you’re available.
How dads can talk to daughters (and moms to sons) about sex
In almost every study, fathers talk less than mothers. Several of our readers wished their dad had been part of it.
WHAT I WANTED
I wish my dad had talked to me instead of my mom.
WHAT I WANTED
I wish my dad would have been a part of it so I could ask questions from his perspective.
Dads can explain periods. Moms can explain erections and wet dreams. If one parent knows the topic better, tag-team it, but don’t hand off the whole job.
The sex talk for single parents and divorced families
You can do all of this alone. If you have a trusted adult who shares your values, like an aunt, an uncle, a grandparent or a family friend, it can help to give your kid a second person to ask. In co-parenting situations, try to agree on the basics. Even if you can’t, it’s better for your kid to hear something accurate from one of you than nothing from both.
THEIR TALK
My aunt sat me down when I was 11, “because I know your mom isn’t going to talk to you about this.”
How to talk about sex in a religious family
Faith and honesty aren’t at odds. Start with your family’s values, explain why they matter to you, and then give your kid accurate information. Where talks in religious homes went wrong for our readers, it was rarely because of the values themselves. It was because fear and shame replaced the facts. In our survey, people from very religious homes were three times as likely to say their talk focused on morals rather than biology.
THEIR TALK
My mom was talking to my two older sisters, and let me join the conversation. She told us that God created sex, and that it really is a good thing, but special, and that’s why it’s important to wait.
That’s a values-based talk that still calls sex good. Add the practical facts and you have something solid.
How to talk about sex with LGBTQ+ kids
Use inclusive language from the start (“someday when you’re with someone,” not “someday when you have a girlfriend”), and your kid will know they can come to you. LGBTQ+ teens are more likely to turn to porn to figure things out (Common Sense Media, 2023), which is one more reason to make sure they have better sources. If your kid comes out to you, start with “thank you for telling me” and “I love you.” Questions can wait.
How to talk about sex with autistic kids or kids with disabilities
Many of these kids need more explicit teaching, not less. Use concrete, literal language. Use pictures and social stories. Repeat often. Spell out the social rules others pick up without being told: which conversations are private, who it’s okay to hug, what consent looks like. Children with disabilities face a higher risk of abuse, which makes teaching body safety even more important. Your child’s pediatrician, therapist or a specialist sex educator can help you tailor the approach.
What to do if your sex talk went badly
Maybe you said too much. Maybe you said too little and changed the subject. Maybe you used the word “wick.” It’s fixable.
THEIR TALK
Suddenly, my father blurted out, “Are you and Jeannie playing hide the you know what?” Confused, I replied, “What?” He re-phrased, “Are you dipping your wick with Jeannie?”
Go back and name it: “I don’t think I handled that conversation very well. Can I try again?” Kids, including teenagers, notice when a parent admits a mistake, and it often opens the door wider than a perfect first try would have. Then do better the second time. Ask first, keep it short, and finish by saying they can ask you anything.
It also helps to understand what a bad first talk costs if you don’t repair it. It isn’t only the one kid. One reader told us that after their parents’ disastrous Chinese-dinner talk, the parents refused to give any talk to the three younger siblings. One bad talk turned into four kids who got none.
If your child is an adult now, the repair still counts. One reader wished for “an openness about mistakes my parents had made, so there could be an honest dialogue in the future not filled with judgment.” You can offer that at any age.
How the sex talk really goes: data from real people’s stories
The Talk collects anonymous stories from adults about how they learned about sex from their parents, or didn’t. Here’s what stands out across those stories and our survey:
- About 6 in 10 never got a talk at all. For many people, everything they know came from friends, school or the internet.
- People from conservative homes were twice as likely to rate their talk poorly (50% vs. 23% for people from liberal homes).
- In very religious homes, the talk was three times as likely to focus on morals rather than biology.
- A good talk changes who people learn from. When the talk was good, about half named a parent as their biggest source of sex education. When it was poor, friends took that spot.
- A good talk followed people into adulthood. People who got a talk were 37% more likely to be very comfortable talking about sex with a partner, and 15% more likely to be very satisfied with their sex life.
- It didn’t change when people started having sex. The average age of first sex was 19.7 either way.
The stories show the same pattern. The most common setting was the car. The most common props were a book and a long silence. The most common wish was that sex had been presented as normal: not dirty, not scary and not secret.
These figures come from our anonymous online survey of adults. The percentage comparisons were statistically significant in our analysts’ review. This is a self-selected sample, not a nationally representative one.
Have your own talk story? Share it anonymously. It takes two minutes.
Best books and resources for talking to kids about sex
For parents
- HealthyChildren.org, the American Academy of Pediatrics’ parent site
- Planned Parenthood: tips for talking with kids
- Mayo Clinic Press: when to start the conversation
For kids and teens
- AMAZE.org: short, frank animated videos about puberty, sex and relationships, organized by age
- Scarleteen: inclusive sex and relationships information for teens and young adults
Books
- What Makes a Baby by Cory Silverberg (young kids)
- Sex Is a Funny Word by Cory Silverberg (early elementary)
- It’s So Amazing by Robie Harris (about 7 and up)
- It’s Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris (about 10 and up)
- Celebrate Your Body by Carrie Leigh Dupont (girls, about 8 to 12)
Sex talk FAQ: common questions parents ask
When to have the sex talk
What age should you start talking to your kids about sex?
Earlier than you think. Start in toddlerhood with real names for body parts and the idea that their body belongs to them. Explain where babies come from by about 5 to 7, cover puberty by 8 or 9, and have a first porn conversation by about 10. Mayo Clinic Press notes that pediatricians recommend starting by around age 5.
Is it ever too early to talk about sex?
Not if what you say fits their age. A 3-year-old doesn’t need to hear about intercourse, but they do need the word “penis” or “vulva” and the rule that their body belongs to them. If you match the detail to the question, you can’t really start too early.
Is it too late to give the talk to a teenager?
No. Start by acknowledging that you didn’t talk about this sooner, then focus on what matters most now: consent, birth control, STIs and where they can get care. Older teens may prefer reading and texting questions to sitting down for a conversation. Let them choose.
At what age should kids learn where babies come from?
When they ask, which is often between 3 and 6. Give a simple, true answer, like “babies grow in a part of the mother’s body called the uterus,” and add more as they ask more. By 7 or 8, most kids can understand that sex is how sperm and egg usually meet.
When should I talk to my daughter about periods?
By about age 8, and earlier if she’s showing signs of puberty. Breast development is the usual first sign and often starts around 9 or 10. Some girls get their first period at 9 or 10. Talking early means her first period won’t be a scary surprise.
When should I talk to my son about wet dreams and erections?
By about 9 or 10, before they start. Boys’ puberty usually begins between 9 and 14. Tell him that erections can happen at random and that wet dreams are normal. Neither one is something to be embarrassed about.
When do kids start puberty now?
Normal puberty starts between 8 and 13 in girls and between 9 and 14 in boys. The age when breast development begins has been creeping earlier, by almost three months per decade, according to a 2020 JAMA Pediatrics meta-analysis.
Should I wait for my child to ask questions?
No. Many kids never ask, and others ask their friends instead. Researchers describe a common standoff: the parent waits for the child to bring it up, and the child waits for the parent. Be the one who goes first.
How often should I talk to my kids about sex?
Often and briefly. Research following teens through high school found that steady conversations, roughly a few times a year over several years, were linked with less risky behavior. In practice, that means short talks whenever something comes up, plus a check-in each time your kid enters a new stage.
What to say when you talk about sex
How do I explain sex to a 5-year-old?
Keep it short and true: “A baby starts when a sperm from a man’s body and an egg from a woman’s body join together. Grown-ups can do that by having sex, which is when a penis goes into a vagina. Then the baby grows in the uterus.” Answer follow-up questions the same way.
How do I explain sex to an 8-year-old?
Give a little more: what sex is, that it can make a baby, and that adults also do it because it feels good and brings them close. Add that it’s something for when you’re much older, and that they can always ask you about it.
What should I say if my child asks “what is sex?” Start with “What have you heard about it?” That tells you what they actually need to know. Then answer plainly, check in with “Does that answer your question?”, and finish with “You can always ask me about this.”
Should I use the real names for private parts?
Yes. Correct names help children talk clearly about their bodies, including telling an adult if someone touches them. Using them calmly also teaches that these body parts aren’t shameful.
How do I explain how babies are made without being graphic?
Use simple, accurate words without the poetry. Avoid metaphors like keys, birds, bees, gumball machines or egg whites. Our readers remember the metaphors for decades, and mostly as confusion.
How do I talk about sex in a positive way?
Talk about it as a normal, healthy part of adult life, not only as a danger. Make sure “it can feel good,” “it should feel good for both people” and “it’s not dirty” are part of the message, alongside the facts about safety.
Should I talk about pleasure with my teen?
Yes, within reason. Teens who understand that sex should be mutual and enjoyable are better able to notice when something feels wrong. You don’t need to describe techniques. Saying that sex should feel good for both people, and that it’s okay to stop if it doesn’t, is enough.
How much detail is too much?
If your child’s eyes glaze over or they try to leave, you’ve given enough for now. Answer the question that was asked, check in, and let them pull for more. Several of our readers remember a parent who answered a simple question with a full anatomy lecture.
What if I don’t know the answer to my child’s question?
Say so: “Good question. I’m not sure. Let’s look it up together.” That builds trust, shows them how to find good information, and takes the pressure off you to be an expert.
Should I share my own sexual history?
You don’t have to, and you can set limits: “I’ll answer general questions, but some things about my relationship are private.” Sharing lessons, such as “I wish someone had told me this,” can help. You don’t need to give details.
How do I explain consent to a toddler?
Through everyday body boundaries: “You can say no to hugs and tickles, even from family.” And: “If someone says stop, we stop.” Model it by respecting their no when you’re tickling or wrestling.
How do I explain consent to a teenager?
“Consent means both people actually want to, every step of the way, and either one can change their mind at any time. Silence isn’t a yes. Someone who’s drunk or high can’t really say yes. And if you’re not sure, ask.”
How do I talk to my child about masturbation?
Calmly. For little kids, teach “private, not bad.” For older kids and teens, say it’s normal and common, that it’s private, and that it isn’t harmful. Shame doesn’t stop masturbation. It just stops the questions.
Talking to teens about sex
How do I talk to my teen about birth control?
Explain the main options, how well each one works, and that condoms are the only common method that also helps prevent STIs. Tell them how to get birth control, and that a doctor can see them confidentially. Do this before you think they need it.
Should I buy my teenager condoms?
Many experts would say yes, or at least make sure your teen knows where to get them. Having condoms available doesn’t make teens start having sex sooner. It makes them more likely to use protection when they do.
How do I talk about STIs without scaring them?
Stick to the facts: STIs are common, many have no symptoms, condoms reduce the risk, testing is simple and confidential, and most STIs are treatable. Mention the HPV vaccine. Present testing as normal health care, not as a punishment.
My teen says “I already know everything.” What now?
Say “Great, then this will be quick,” and ask them to explain one thing, like how birth control works. You’ll quickly find out what they really know, and it turns the lecture into a conversation.
How do I know if my teen is sexually active?
Often you won’t, unless they tell you. That’s why it matters more to keep them talking than to catch them. Teens whose parents talk with them regularly tell their parents more.
Should I let my teen’s partner sleep over?
That’s a family values decision, and reasonable parents disagree. Whatever you decide, explain your reasons, keep talking about safety and consent, and don’t let your house rules become the reason your teen stops telling you things.
How do I talk about alcohol and consent?
Be direct: “If someone is drunk or high, they can’t really consent. Don’t have sex with someone who’s drunk. If you’re drunk, people may not treat you with care. And if you ever need a ride, call me, no questions that night.”
How do I talk to my teen about sexting?
Explain that once an image is sent, it’s out of their control, and that sharing nude images of minors can have serious legal consequences, even between teens. Tell them that if anyone pressures them or shares their image, it’s not their fault, and you’ll help.
What do I do if I find out my teen sent a nude?
Stay calm. Your first goal is safety, not punishment. Find out whether they were pressured and whether the image has spread. Help them ask for it to be deleted, report it to the platform, and if it’s being shared or used to threaten them, report it to NCMEC’s Take It Down service or law enforcement.
How do I help my teen recognize an unhealthy relationship?
Name the signs: jealousy dressed up as love, checking their phone, isolating them from friends, pressure about sex, and feeling scared to say no. Ask about their friends’ relationships first. It’s easier for teens to spot red flags at a distance.
Talking to kids about porn and online safety
At what age should I talk to my kids about pornography?
By about 8 to 10. In Common Sense Media’s 2022 survey, the average age of first exposure was 12, and 15% of teens had seen porn by age 10 or younger. Often they came across it by accident.
What do I do if I catch my child watching porn?
Stay calm and don’t shame them. Curiosity is normal. Ask what they saw and how it made them feel. Explain that porn is made for adults, is mostly fake, and often shows sex that isn’t respectful or realistic. Then talk about what real relationships look like.
How do I explain why porn isn’t real sex?
“It’s like an action movie. The people are actors, it’s edited, and it shows things that aren’t safe or normal in real life. It usually doesn’t show people asking each other, checking in or caring about each other, and that’s the most important part of real sex.”
Do parental controls stop kids from seeing porn?
They reduce accidental exposure, especially for younger kids, but they don’t stop a determined teen or anything seen on a friend’s phone. Use them along with conversations, not instead of them.
My child saw porn by accident. What should I say?
“Thank you for telling me. You’re not in trouble. That was made for adults and it probably looked confusing or upsetting. Do you have questions about what you saw?” Thank them for telling you, so they’ll tell you next time.
Fears and myths about the sex talk
Will talking about sex make my child want to have sex?
No. Decades of research, including major reviews by UNESCO, the World Health Organization and researcher Douglas Kirby, have found that sex education doesn’t lead to earlier sex. Our own survey found that the average age of first sex was the same whether or not people got a talk.
Does abstinence-only education work?
Not on its own. The Society for Adolescent Health and Medicine found that abstinence-only-until-marriage programs don’t delay first sex. You can still teach abstinence as a family value. Just make sure your kid also has accurate information about protection.
Is it my job or the school’s job?
Both, but you can do things the school can’t. Many schools teach puberty and biology, while parents can share values, answer questions over the years and be there when something happens. Several of our readers learned the facts at school and nothing else at home.
What if my partner and I disagree about what to say?
Agree on the basics, like correct names, safety and consent, and on giving your kid accurate information. You can each share your own values, and kids can handle hearing that two people they love see things differently.
What if I’m too embarrassed to talk about sex?
Say so. “This is awkward for me, but it’s important.” Start with books or videos you watch together, or talk in the car. Embarrassment fades with practice. If you truly can’t, ask a trusted adult to help, and stay involved yourself.
What if my own parents never talked to me?
You’re in the majority. About 6 in 10 people in our survey never got a talk, and many parents were raised to think sex was taboo. You get to do it differently. Being honest about that helps: “Nobody talked to me, and I want it to be different for you.”
The sex talk in specific situations
Should dads talk to daughters about periods?
Yes. Periods are a normal part of health, and a dad who can talk about them without flinching teaches his daughter that her body isn’t embarrassing. In single-dad homes, it’s essential.
How can a mom talk to her son about puberty?
The same way she’d talk to a daughter: plainly, with real words. Erections, wet dreams and body changes are biology. One reader’s mom handed him books and then said, “Well… now you know what to do with your penis.” A little more conversation would have helped, but she showed up.
How do single parents handle the talk?
The same way, with permission to bring in backup. A trusted aunt, uncle or friend can give your kid a second person to ask. You still don’t need to be an expert, just honest and available.
How do I talk about sex with my religious values?
Start with what you believe and why. Then make sure your kid has the facts too: how bodies work, how pregnancy and STIs happen, and how to protect themselves. Values and accurate information go together.
How do I talk to my child about LGBTQ+ identities?
Simply. Some people love people of the same gender, some people’s gender is different from what they were assigned at birth, and families come in many forms. Use inclusive language so your kid knows they can talk to you about anyone they might be.
What if my child comes out to me?
Thank them for telling you, tell them you love them, and ask how you can support them. Save your own questions and feelings for later. What you say first matters.
How do I talk about sex with a child who has autism?
Be concrete, literal and explicit. Use visuals and social stories, and repeat often. Spell out private versus public behavior and consent rules clearly. Your child’s therapist or a specialist sex educator can help.
How do I teach body safety to prevent sexual abuse?
Use correct names, teach that no one should touch their private parts except to keep them clean or healthy, teach that there are no secrets about touching, and name several trusted adults they can tell. Say it often and keep it calm.
What are the warning signs of grooming?
An adult who gives a child special attention or gifts, tries to spend time alone with them, encourages secrets, pushes physical boundaries little by little, or tries to come between the child and their parents. Teach your child that safe adults don’t ask kids to keep secrets.
What if my child walks in on us having sex?
Stay calm, get dressed, and check in later. For a young child, something simple works: “Mom and Dad were having private grown-up time. It’s how we show we love each other.” Answer questions honestly, and get a lock.
How do I handle kids “playing doctor”?
Curiosity between young children of a similar age is common. Calmly redirect them, remind them about private parts and body rules, and use it as a teachable moment. Get advice from your pediatrician if there’s a big age gap, force or secrecy, or sexual knowledge beyond their age.
After the talk: keeping the conversation going
My first talk went badly. How do I fix it?
Go back and say so: “I don’t think I explained that very well. Can we try again?” Admitting a mistake often opens the door wider than a perfect first try. Then keep it shorter, ask more questions, and finish by telling them they can ask you anything.
How do I keep the conversation going?
Look for small openings, like a news story, a show or a question about a friend. Check in at each new stage, such as starting middle school, a first crush or getting a phone. Make “you can ask me anything” something you say, and something you mean.
What are good books about sex for kids?
For young kids, What Makes a Baby and Sex Is a Funny Word by Cory Silverberg. For school-age kids and preteens, It’s So Amazing and It’s Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris. Read them together, or at least talk about them afterward.
What videos can help explain puberty?
AMAZE.org has short, frank animated videos organized by age, covering puberty, sex, relationships and consent. Watching one together gives you a natural place to start talking.
Should my child’s pediatrician talk to them privately?
Yes. By the early teens, many pediatricians spend part of each visit alone with the teen. That’s normal and healthy. It gives your kid a medical source they can trust.
What do young adults wish their parents had told them?
Mostly, that sex is normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Then: the emotional side of relationships, consent, birth control and STIs, and that they could keep asking questions. One reader wrote what many were wishing for:
WHAT I WANTED
Sex is completely normal and a part of the human experience. If you have any questions about it, come to me first. There’s a lot of bad information out there. I’ll be happy to answer them and help you feel safe and ready when you’re ready to start having sex.
Sources
- Widman L, Choukas-Bradley S, Noar SM, Nesi J, Garrett K. Parent-adolescent sexual communication and adolescent safer sex behavior: a meta-analysis. JAMA Pediatrics, 2016. PubMed
- Santa Maria D, Widman L, et al. Parent-based interventions for adolescent sexual health: a systematic review and meta-analysis. JAMA Pediatrics, 2019. JAMA
- Javidi H, Verlenden JV, Chen X, Walsh-Buhi ER. Parent-teen sexual health communication and teen self-efficacy. JAMA Network Open, 2025. DOI
- Parental sexual communication and adolescent disclosure. Family Sciences, 2025. DOI
- Beckett MK, et al. Timing of parent and child communication about sexuality relative to children’s sexual behaviors. Pediatrics, 2010. PubMed
- Family Perspectives (BYU), review of parent-child sexual communication research, 2024. PDF
- Pariera KL, Brody E. “Talk More About It”: emerging adults’ attitudes about how and when parents should talk about sex, 2018. Sexuality Research and Social Policy
- Wilson EK, Dalberth BT, Koo HP, Gard JC. Parents’ perspectives on talking to preteenage children about sex. Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 2010. Guttmacher
- Planned Parenthood / NYU CLAFH, “Let’s Talk” parent poll, 2011. Planned Parenthood
- Planned Parenthood / Family Circle / NYU CLAFH poll fact sheet, 2012. PDF
- Harvard Making Caring Common, The Talk, 2017. ScienceDaily summary
- Talker Research, parent survey, 2022. Talker Research
- Common Sense Media, Teens and Pornography, 2023. Common Sense Media
- Puberty timing review. Frontiers in Pediatrics, 2019. Frontiers
- Eckert-Lind C, et al. Worldwide secular trends in age at pubertal onset assessed by breast development among girls. JAMA Pediatrics, 2020.
- Kirby D. Emerging Answers 2007. Guttmacher summary
- UNESCO et al. International Technical Guidance on Sexuality Education, 2018. UNESCO
- World Health Organization. Comprehensive sexuality education fact sheet. WHO
- Society for Adolescent Health and Medicine. Abstinence-only-until-marriage policies and programs, 2017. Journal of Adolescent Health
- CDC National Center for Health Statistics, National Survey of Family Growth, 2017–2019.
- American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org. Talking to your child about sex
- Mayo Clinic Press. When to start talking about sexual health with your child
- Rosenzweig J. SexWise Parent, 2026.
- The Talk anonymous survey and story collection (thetalkstories.com).